My decision

hey after deliberating for a while... i have decided to let you all know about my other blog address... so if you were lucky enough to come here you have the address!

i have come to a point where it really doesnt matter to me who reads what i write and you all know that thats a risk right...especially if one day you find me bitching about you or something heh... anyway its at your own risk anyway for you..especially if you know i will defintely be writing about you... so take the plunge if you arent afraid.

http://www.xanga.com/cryingstatue

yep... but dont worry... i will be updating this blog from time to time...

Letting you go....

after much deliberation, i decided that its best for my conscience, that i let you go...but immediatly i felt damn sad, cos there was a connection between you and me. i contemplated stealing you, not returning it cos the TH band people dont seem to remember at all that i borrowed you... but i cannot, its against my principles... and so i have to return you back to its rightful owner.

The harmonist pedal was truly a fun pedal... i could tweak it to harmonise with my lead lines so i didnt need to deal with other guitar players... and could give me a much fuller sound.... very fun to play lead lines that had harmony. well in the end i had to let you go anyway....

True love at last....

You know, after all this while, you have been sticking by me all along. you listened to me whenever i was down, cried with me when i was sad, laughed and roared when i was mad. and you never complained whenever i didnt feel like myslef or wanted to be alone.
We have the same interests, and it seems like we both cant get enough of pop songs, the more we get involved with a song the more i feel like you are a part of me now. you're different from the rest, yeah your skin tone maybe too light but i love you just the same, if only i could raise the bar and achieve a higher level of satisifaction with you. Yes! you deserve so much more... and at times i didnt pay attention to you or neglected you, but one failed opportunity after another you made me realise that no one understands me better than you do....
I LOVE YOU................................................................................................................................................






































MY FENDER GUITAR>>>>>>>

WHY NOT CHEAT?

Why is there such a thing called cheating in the education system? arent we educated enough to act civil and be ethical about this whole concept of learning? let me propose an answer to that:

BECAUSE IN THE END, ITS THE MARKS THAT MATTER, NOT THE PROCESS

yes in the eend, its your results that matter, not how much you learned. thats the real value of education. when given an opportunity to cheat, why not? sure, go against your principles, but then again who is going to bother about that? let me give you a scenario....

say you are taking a small test, in the lecture theatres of a prestigious college. the lecture seats are positioned such that you can look at the adjacent person's paper, front, side, heck even the back if you could! and halfway during the test, you get stumped at an mcq question, where for smart asses, it means a distinction or not, or for dumb asses like me, pass or fail to answer the question. the lecturer is not goong to bother, and everyone else is doing it anyway. ok, lets factor the "everyone else is doing it reason" out cos it wont help heh. anyway so you cheat and write down what the majority of people you can spy on seem to be writing. why do you cheat then? cos in the end, is anyone going to say "oh you cheated! lose one mark... " or "cheating is wrong, takes the value of education away!" FUCK no man... you are just going to receive one extra mark, at no cost, save for that nagging voice which you will supress in your head. cos why?


BECAUSE IN THE END, ITS THE MARKS THAT MATTER, NOT THE PROCESS

do you see my point? you might as well cheat and get that extra mark cos no one is going to credit you for not cheating! in the end if you dont cheat and be honest, you really are owning it to yourself... to fail cos of one mark you could have easily gotten. and if you fail, are you going to explain yourself? like "Oh sir you see i failed cos i didnt cheat!" no man... the lecturer will just say: "oh you failed thats all."

and that is why people cheat... because it is a race to get a higher mark at all costs. yep... thats one of the reasons why i hate being competitive or rather be stuck in a competitive society lah...

5am...

hmm couldnt sleep... cos i fell asleep for an hour at 10 and well... not good to take a power nap i must say....
you know, i cant help but feel depressive whenever i write these entries..sometimes i feel i dramatise too much...and i tend to look too much at a half empty glass....to allmy friends sorry if i have too negative and all.
but nevertheless blogging continues on...

you know i cant help but feel really lonely... and its not a relationship thing anymore. when i really think about who are the friends i am really hanging out with nowadays.... i really cant think of any... that i can really enjoy their company and be really happy and comfortable with.
hmm in fact some friendships are even beginning to feel weird...like with my former band... i cant help but feel like i dont really want to hang out with them anymore. sometimes their incessant complaint about how they are outcasts but cant substantiate why can get on my nerves. i mean if its one thing university has taught me, its to back up what you say... dont just make a statement for the sake of it.
and then theres the CSS people... i know some of you do read my blog but hope yo udont mind me saying this... you know i told myself that enough was enough in my attempts to get to be in a group and fit in, but i cant help feel like i dont really belong anywhere now. i mean all of them are working together and getting closer cos of this and i guess thats one area i should have done, join some adhoc committee, cos it seems that those are the groups that forge close bonds. ironically the ministries arent... which i have devoted time to be in lah. of course it doesnt help that i dont hang out too much with the CSS people and that i am like totally not taking any course with anyone.
sometimes it really irritates me when people hang out in cliques and all...but i mean thats fine i think on a personal level but not fair when you bring it to for example the CSS corner where everything is supposed to all fine and all. you know when i was facilitating for FOC last year, i was really passionate about leting the year ones know what friendship was like in CSS... that you can always go back to them... but i doubt if i can do that this year though. i mean yeah i do joke with them and all but the conversations save for a few of them never go past that superficial level.... on one hand i have closed up to much, and yet on the other hand generally people have already formed their bonds...hmm maybe i'm just paranoid and i should be really hanging out more with people.
hmm i hope to catch up with all my other friends during the hols... hopefully this friendship crisis for me will be resolved soon.
argh... dreamt about reservist for the second time... its really sian lah.... i really hate army and i cant understand why so many people i know are lucky enough not to kena reservist... its like i suffered so much in my ns days...to kena reservist...and these people had a relatively ok life in army...to get off from reservist. where is the justice man... i get quite irritated when people complain about doing admin work only during their service.. HELLO? you try carrying 15kg of load on your back, walk 20km and charge up a hill in one night and you tell me which one is worse...
or worse still do both admin work and cheong up a hill... something i was doing for a whole year! so thats 11 days of holidays wasted... probably going to fail my fitness test and feel like a complete loser just like how i felt for 2 years...yeah thats right... thats how i felt...cos i was the worst one in the company and the trainers took no hesitation to make that known to me... everyday i felt like a complete loser... that i couldnt do anything right... i think eventually i just became like the dog in the learned selflessness theory...just sit there and take whatever shit the world can throw at me.
sometimes i dont know why i'm here... just a number perhaps? why is life so bad for me? why cant i feel good about myself for once? to feelhappy? why cant i feel confident about my future? about my studies?
yeah what a life...

The Fee hike issue

Was reading Jon's post about this issue and someone else's blog. both of them had two opposing views which i think were very interesting to think about. haha maybe i'm just impressionable lah! i am really not the kind who is very smart in about these issues cos i cant really think that deep yeah so unlike a uni grad right... but i do have some views though...

1) i thought the black t-shirt campaign was a doomed one from the start. firstly the idea only was passed around last minute so not everyone had the time to think about which side to take. secondly it was unclear of what sides there were: like as that friend put, do we wear the t-shirt to support NUSSU in helping us or is it purely just to protest the hike..but even then under whose idea is it to protest the hike?

2)i think if anyone wants to do something..it has to be a blatant kind of protest... people will wear black no matter what..so that doesnt reflect anything. you want a change before this hike gets "accepted" in due time then you have to do something drastic to let people hear your voice. secondly as my first point says you have to have a central authority to coordinate and authenticate such a movement..otherwise..if not credibility or backing naturally people will be scared to participate..espeically Singaporeans.

3)then again... i also cannot understand the reasons for the fee hike lah..small amount yes but if its going to happen again and again eventually it wont be a small amount collectively lah. i ahve seen how NUS uses their funds lah... imagine they are having 100 events to celebrate the cenntenial..and i worked as a helper for one of the dinners celebrating sportsmenship... they rented the suntec ballroom... had alcoholic drinks.. paid each helper about 8 an hour for about 11 hours... thats a lot of pay lah... and i was like wah NUS has really a lot of money to spend man. i guess firstly my arguement is flawed cos i am just making a unsupported statement.. for all you know the money could have been enough to spend and i dont know how NUS is spending the funds so i am not qualified to make such a sweeping statement. but then again in the midst of the celebrations...how many NUS undergraduates are actually taking part in it? or does it just seem like the elite people aka the sportsmen, alumni, various societies are taking part in it? what do we get? a free mug? i also dont understand why we need to pay or rent equipment, or rooms in the school itself... shouldnt the groups that belong to NUs get a priviledge to have the rooms?
but then again i could just be making sweeping statements lah...but i guess the bottom line is: justify the fee hike! dont just say "rising operating costs"... cos then we are also qualified to make sweeping statements.

This could be the end of everything....

hey i wonder if anyone is still reading my blog posts... seems like not much people anyway...
well if you have noticed, i have not been updating my blog regularly and all... well i hope this post can answer that question lah...

well when i first started off this blog... it was due to the fact that i wanted to immortalise my thoughts... so that it will be here forever lah... and that when i am older and i look back i can get nostalgic about the past and all.
also it was a chance for me to hhm whats the term... write all my inner thoughts and feelings... i felt that i was not open at all to my previous relationship and that i had made the mistake of being selfish and unpredictable. its not the first time it has happened though.. i felt that people didnt understnad me at all.. and well it pained me very much that i had caused so much hurt to someone i still love. i put the blame on myself yes, i put the blame entirely on myself being selfish and perverse.
i wanted people to know who i really was like... cos up till today... i am still trying to discover that... and failing miserably at it...but still things are starting to pick up and hopefully i do not fall down again.
i had commited the biggest mistake of my whole life... you do not know what is it like to lose someone so fundamental and precious to this phase of my life now... many have tried to show empathy...and so sorry for this: but i tell you... to me...what you have been through is nothing to what i have been torturing myself with over the past year. i wake up every morning wishing that the day passes by quickly... a moment spent thinking is pure hell for me.
it doesnt help much either that you have moved on lah to be honest... but i think you are happier now as with me so i think its for the better lah... the funny thing was...when we initially broke up i was not ready or rather i had made up my mind to forget everything... halfway during my second semester in NUS... it hit me hard... and i started to regret... so much that even meeting you by accident made me feel like crying...
when i made the decision to start a blog... blogspot was just something really accessible and all... plus i liked the way photos were shown clearly on blog posts and all... the only thing that i didnt really like about it was that i couldnt privatise my thoughts... and so all could read it...
well it didnt really bother me that much lah... cos hey i wanted people to know who the real me was. but slowly i had begun to start treasuring my privacy and a month ago i decided to well start a new blog somewhere... where only i could be privvy to my thoughts...
my recent months have been a time of... rebirth and reconditioning... i wanted to for once just take charge of my life and become sucessful again.. be it music or studies... and i made the decision to stay in hall because of this... giving me more time to think slowly about what to do and all.
to be honest... i still am not sure of who i really am... i feel like a newborn baby... starting to learn how to walk one step at a time...
months ago i helped to play P and W at a CSS retreat... and it was a revelation of sorts... for the first time i questioned GOd... i asked him why my life was so screwed up and why did he place me in such a life... and i began to start doubting my existence in his plan. people have been telling me that God has a plan in store for me...but i dare say that i have been waiting 5 years for something to happen. and recent family problems, the breakup and school results have only served to make me question him more....
and so... i have taken a step back... i longer pray at night... attend CG... until i find my answer and i am sure that theres a reason for my mortal life.
i have also made a decision on how i will take life... by the horns... i will ask and every moment i have to change my life i will not hesitate to take action... even on impulse...

well.... i will still be posting stuff from time to time lah... thoughts... photos... more of a social blog than anything else... but there will be an online diary for myself anyway... whether or not i will let people read it still remains to be seen... until then... well... we shall see what the future holds yeah?

Thank you...

Regards,

JUstin Low

"I wish you were here" -- Incubus